Throw Away Culture

Hopefully this isn't too rambling but this was something on my mind today: the throw away mentality that has taken over this country. Maybe it extends beyond the US, I don't really know. It used to be that if something was broken, you fixed it. My dad has a lawn mower that is older than I am. Any time it breaks, he fixes it. I don't know how many times the engine has been rebuilt but it just keeps right on chugging.

Nowadays, if something isn't working right, people just throw it away. It isn't just objects either. We throw away our babies, our marriages, our friendships. We throw away anything that gets too difficult or too bothersome. People don't like to put forth too much effort anymore. Don't even get me started about cultures that kill their children. Don't agree with everything I say and do? Can't be friends anymore.

Instead of til death do us part its become until it gets too hard, until something better comes along, until I get bored, until we have one too many arguments. That wasn't God's plan for marriage. A husband and wife become one. The only reasons I have found in the Bible that are acceptable for divorce are infidelity and abuse...and not today's idea of abuse which is apparently the same as having an argument, seriously I have been told that if you and your spouse are arguing and you say something mean to each other in anger that is abuse, but, I mean, actual abuse. Physical or sustained mental abuse. Anything else, you work through it. Marriage takes work, period. I think too many people get married for all the wrong reasons these days.

Our marriage has not been easy, we have had countless fights and I mean serious screaming matches and worse though we have never physically attacked each other. We both have difficult personalities. I saw a meme recently that said marriage takes loving someone even on days you are struggling to like them. We have managed to always work through our issues and we have come out better for it. I have been with this man for 20 years and I can't imagine life without him. If I am going to go through life's ups and downs, I want to go through those things with him by my side.

And sometimes things can't be helped. Sometimes the person you thought would be with you always, walks out. Sometimes you try your best and your hardest and nothing works. Let me tell you that there is someone who will never leave you nor forsake you. You are His child and God wants to walk with you through the storms. You never have to be alone and His grace will cover you regardless of your past.

-The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. -Deuteronomy 31:8

Like a Child

      I have been feeling so overwhelmed, busy, and scatterbrained lately. I lost BSF and therefore feel like I lost a bit of my anchor and have been blowing in the wind. BSF kept me in the Word on a daily basis and I haven't been very good at keeping myself in it on my own. I can definitely feel the difference. Anxiety and anger crept back in.

      I think its good to step back and see how a child handles things sometimes. Obviously, we shouldn't throw tantrums as adults, though some adults do unfortunately, but what does a small child do when they are feeling scared, lost, or insecure? They run to the embrace of their parents. There is a good lesson there. We have a Heavenly Father that is always there for us, forever accessible and ready for us with outstretched arms.

      I recently saw a message given by Max Lucado in which he talks about our Father and how He is referred to as our Abba Father. This is an endearment which translates closely to "Daddy" or "Papa". God is not just our Creator and Lord, He is our Papa. That is the relationship He most desires with us. In his message Max says "If you really want to make God smile call him Abba".

     Since watching that message I have begun calling Him Abba in my prayers and when I just talk to Him. One night very recently, I was feeling so weighed down and distant. I was tired body and soul, our son was having issues getting to sleep and wanted me to come lay with him and I usually resist this because I want him sleeping independently but this time I decided I would acquiesce. I used the quiet time snuggled up to my little boy to talk with God and realized that what my son was looking for in me, I needed to go to my Abba Father for as well. I needed to stop shouldering all of my burdens and remember that I am not alone. So as I held my son I asked Jesus to please hold me. I told Him how tired I was and asked "Abba please hold me, be my comforter, I just need to lay in your embrace for a while". I have found that anytime I refer to Him as my Abba I feel tears welling up. I attribute this to an upwelling of the Holy Spirit within me and I imagine that those tears indicate His presence and His approval. I felt so at peace after that talk, so loved.

     So remember during this busy time that you always have a Heavenly Dad who loves you and wants you to come to Him with your burdens. He wants to hold you and protect you. If you believe, you are His child.

- Jesus called a little child to them and put the child among them, Then He said "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get in to the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea." - Matthew 18:2-6

- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30

Giving Thanks

I mean, what better topic for the day before Thanksgiving right?

I am feeling particularly thankful today. I got to wake up this morning to my 4 year old crawling into my bed, snuggling up to my face and saying "I love you" totally unbidden. In the stresses of this roller coaster we call life it can be easy to overlook the small blessings that surround us. The touch of a child's hand, a cool breeze on your face, the beauty of nature and being able to witness the majesty of God's creation.

I am thankful that God brought my husband and I together nearly 20 years ago. It hasn't been easy, marriage never is and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, we have had to fight and scrape our way through, for better and for worse and I'm so thankful that no matter how dark it got we were both too stubborn to give up on each other.

I am thankful that God changed our hearts at exactly the same time when it came to wanting a child. Neither of us wanted kids when we started this journey together. I didn't know why at the time but we both felt the need to start a family at the same moment and I was immediately pregnant. I wouldn't trade our son for anything on this earth. He has enriched our lives and made things harder too but so worth it.

I am thankful that I listened to that inner voice that I didn't have a name for yet when it told me to go sign up for Bible Study Fellowship. God placed me in the exact right group at the exact right time and my healing journey began. And I am beyond thankful and honored that I have gotten to hear that voice a few times since and know it now as the Holy Spirit himself. Thankful that He told me to get up out of my seat and share my testimony to that room full of women, alone because He was there with me. Not everyone gets gifted with hearing the actual voice of God. He probably just knew that was what it would take for me to break free from my prison of fear and anxiety.

I'm thankful for that healing because it has enabled me to advocate for my family and actually live life! I feel like there are no longer limitations on what I can accomplish and I know that if my son needs me to fight for him or stand up for him that I can actually do it without hesitation. I actually kind of think that this is why I was healed in the first place but truly only God knows His purposes.

I'm thankful for the friends and family that have always been around and for the new friends I have made along the way.

I'm thankful for my church for it feeling like my home away from home. I seriously would spend every day there if I could. The pastors and the staff there are all such amazing, beautiful people and I just wish I could drag everyone I know there with me!

I'm sure there are countless more things to be thankful for but there is one that is greater than any other. I'm thankful for Jesus Christ, my savior and my redeemer. My Father in heaven, my Abba, my one and only Creator. The Holy Spirit that lives within me, my guide and my comforter. All of these in One. Without which, I wouldn't exist, nothing would exist. He gave it all for us. He left His throne and walked among us. He was tortured and crucified on the cross of our transgressions because of His unending love for us, His children.

Thank you Jesus, may I live my life for you always!

-As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you. Remain in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and remain in His love. I have told you these things so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because everything I have learned from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will remain—so that whatever you ask the Father in My name, He will give you. This is My command to you: Love one another. John 15:9-17

Tired Rather Than Inspired

Well that about sums up my past week and a half. I apologize for not having a post last week and so far not having one this week. I have definitely been tired rather than inspired lately. Maybe that's okay, maybe its what needed to happen.
We have had a lot of things going on with our son recently. He's been dealing with anxieties and setbacks. He's being defiant and difficult. He's testing boundaries. We made the decision as a family that I would step away from BSF for current "school" year. Our son was not coping well with my being gone one night a week. We thought he'd get used to it but his issues got worse instead of better. It culminated with him having a meltdown at school and then his telling me that his tummy was real upset and that it had to do with me leaving that night for class. I agonized over it for a while but ultimately made that sacrifice for my son. I feel a bit like I am floating without a life jacket, my fellowship gone. I'm sure God has plans though, He always does. So I'm patiently waiting to learn what He has in store for me next, to get me through this next season.
On another note, our son's teachers made us aware of some red flags they were noticing and some issues he was having and urged me to set him up for an evaluation. I don't know what all they are looking for, sensory processing disorder, autism, maybe other stuff? This is new territory for me. It's also painful territory. I had such a terrible feeling of guilt when they told me. Thinking about where I messed up or what I could have passed on to him. I had problems of my own as a child. I'm probably on the spectrum but never been evaluated or anything. My son and I are both highly intelligent and unfortunately that usually comes with eccentricities. We will find out more this Friday at his appointment.
I do know that through all this and over these past few year God has been preparing me to deal with whatever might be coming. He's given me the strength and the tools to advocate for my child. He has been faithful and blessed us, any time something has come up that may have caused a distraction He has solved it. He always provides just enough. Some expected financial issue comes up, we get an opportunity or something I am selling goes for exactly the amount we need. He's cleared my plate so that I can focus on this.
God always provides. You may not get exactly what you ask for and on your time table but you will get exactly what you need in His perfect timing.

-The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; 
He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; 
He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. 
Even thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. - Psalm 23

God Never Changes

So in this crazy election season I have read and been told directly, even, that we should keep our religion and our beliefs separate from how we vote or what we do and support. Like we are supposed to put our faith in a box and only bring it out on Sundays. Being Christian isn’t about what we do once a week, it is our way of life, at least it is supposed to be. We are to put God first in all we do, that includes in what we support, what we affirm, and how we live our lives. Christianity isn’t a past time it’s a lifestyle. It should permeate a believer’s everyday life and God’s Word should be consulted for every decision.

Sometimes this means that your choices will be uncomfortable. Sometimes it is going to be very difficult. People will disagree, get angry, you might lose friends. I have dealt with all of these things because I won’t blindly support the things this world tells us are good and right. I have had arguments with other believers who think that the Bible needs updating or that God got some things wrong. I’m sorry, He doesn’t get things wrong and we don’t need the Bible 2016 edition. God never changes. The things that are within His will do not change.

Then you have the “well that’s fine for you but let the rest of us do what we want”. We can’t really do that either because we are called to love everyone. Loving everyone means you want salvation for everyone. It means you want everyone living within God’s will so they can find God’s purpose for their lives and so they can receive His blessings.

I am pro-life, pretty sure everyone knows that, and it’s been posed to me in this way “if you don’t like it then don’t get one but you shouldn’t try to stop everyone else”. Its not that we just don’t like it, we see it as the destruction of one of God’s children, made in His image, the ending of an innocent life. So basically you are asking us to turn our backs on something offensive to God because it “isn’t our business”. How many horrible things in this world could have been prevented if we didn’t have that “its not my business” mentality?

Anyway before I veer off on that topic, which I am extremely passionate about, let’s get back on track. Living out or faith isn’t easy, it wasn’t meant to be easy. Jesus tells us that as He was hated so too will we be hated and persecuted. We nail ourselves to the cross with Him. Maybe you don’t like all of His teachings, you don’t have to like it but you do need to obey it. From Proverbs 3: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. That’s a really good chapter to read right there. So many people forget that HE is God, we are not.

Let’s not be lukewarm in our faith. Let’s not water it down to make it happy and comfortable so we can fill our seats on Sunday. We all stumble, we all fail. Lord knows I have and continue to do so. I missed 2 weeks of church and already started to backslide. I got away from being in His Word daily and I began to turn to the things that I used to use to fill me up. Shopping with money I don’t have has been a big one for me. Like buying things will bring me peace. I had a lot of times I wanted to make a snarky comment on something someone posted but, happily, I actually listened to the voice that told to “walk away”. Being argumentative isn’t going to further the Kingdom and only robs me of my peace and gets all grumpy all day. It felt so good to get back into church, hear an amazing message that actually went right along with the things I had on my mind, and fill my Holy Spirit tank back up. We had communion and a moment of silence where we were to reflect on Jesus’ sacrifice and what it means and to ask for forgiveness and for Him to be with us and I wept for my mistakes and for this world and the direction it has gone in. I wept for what He suffered for us and for His all encompassing love. He didn’t do that so that we can celebrate our iniquities. He came to free us from them so that we could live full lives in His service according to His will for everything He does for us is for our good.

So many good passages to post along with this, I have picked out three I will share. A couple of them are long so bear with me!

-To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation.  I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.  You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.  I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.  Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne.  Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. – Revelation 3:14-22

-When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures,  idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division,  envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. – Galatians 5:19-26

Perhaps most importantly and simply put:

-Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. - Psalm 119:165

She Will Put You on the Path

I often sit and wonder about God’s timing and His reasons for doing things as He does them. It is truly a marvel. I can’t help but think our son has something to do with everything I have experienced these past few years.

This whole major shift began with two people who were pretty sure they didn’t want to have children. We were both fairly selfish and liked doing what we wanted, when we wanted. Then, inexplicably, we both had the overwhelming urge to have a child at the exact same time. I’ve always had weird issues so we thought it’d be difficult to get pregnant so we decided we’d just let whatever happened happen. I was pregnant on the first try. Meant to be perhaps?

An extremely healthy pregnancy and hitch-free birth later we had our son and the biggest turning point in our lives was set in motion. It was hard but not too bad. He was a pretty laid back baby, some sleep issues but once we figured out he had silent reflux and addressed that he was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks on his own. He has a willful personality, stubborn like his parents, but so smart. None of the dreaded transitions of babyhood and toddlerhood were difficult. I was surprised at how amazingly bonded he and I were from the very beginning. Since I never liked kids I thought I might not feel strongly about him at first but it was so strong that I knew when he was about to wake up for night feedings before he actually woke up. He never had to cry because I would wake up and be ready for him as soon as he stirred. I have been fiercely protective of him, a true mama bear.

At the height of my anxiety, I had a friend tell me that when I had a kid I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him because of my issues and that I would make my child be just like me. That person is no longer my friend but I was truly worried about this. I knew I’d have to get past my issues somehow but I was having trouble with it. I didn’t take him on play dates or sign up for things. He was 2 years old and had never really been around other children and I was getting worried that he would have social problems like me. That is when I learned about BSF and that it had a free children’s program. I believe this is when I felt that first invisible push. It wouldn’t leave my mind but it would require stepping outside of my comfort zone. That strong bond and love for my child gave me a very compelling reason to do so, however. It was then that I took the first step towards a new life. He cried and cried the first few times we had to separate. He had never been without me before. It was so worth it though when he started to come home and sing hymns to himself and show me things he had learned.

Boy does this child ever have a heart for God! He remembers all kinds of little details. He loves for me to read his Children’s Bible to him every night at bedtime. We have read all the way through it at least 5 or 6 times. Every time we finish he asks me to start over. He will point at the pictures and ask questions. One time when I named Moses he declared “His staff becomes a snake!” I have overheard him using biblical figures in his pretend play. Even if it meant that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were throwing dynamite at Peter! Ha! At one point he pointed to a picture of the Ark of the Covenant and told me that it hadn’t been destroyed which made me look long and hard at him and then ask him if he knew where it was, hey you never know. He didn’t know though, sorry guys.

He loves church and his favorite music is “church music” as he calls it. This would be contemporary worship. We listen to a lot of Hillsong, Phil Wickham, and the Message on XM. He seems kind of grumpy if we listen to much else, though he does enjoy some Home Free from time to time.

We were recently told by his teachers that they saw some red flags and that he may need some evaluating for fine motor skill development and possible sensory issues. This hit me pretty hard and I cried for most of the day after that phone call. One of my biggest fears was passing on my “weirdness” to him. I was miserable as a child because of my limitations. Imagine being scared and uncomfortable at all times unless you are in your house. That was my reality for so long. For over 30 years I lived that way. I missed out on so much and I didn’t want that for him. Doing right by him and getting things in motion to find out what he needed required a certain amount of outgoing-ness on my part which I did without hesitation. He is set up for evaluation in November so I will let you all know how that goes though he has started to show improvement at school this week.

Thinking on all of this, and with a little help from a Home Free song I listened to yesterday, puts just one more tick in the column of “God healed me so I can do right by my son”. Without that healing, he would have never experienced Bible Study Fellowship or gone to church. Without my healing, my son wouldn’t know Jesus. I have had this overwhelming feeling this whole journey that it definitely isn’t all about me, may not be about me much at all though I know God loves me and I am His child. I think our son is destined for something important. Maybe not becoming a world leader but perhaps he will one day lead others to Christ. Maybe he will be a pastor or maybe he will change the life of just one person. No task is too small or unimportant when it is done for the Kingdom of God.

The song I mentioned is called “Mom” and is a conversation between an unborn child and God. The baby is afraid to leave His side and enter the great big world but He tells the baby that there is someone waiting for them, their Mom. One line always gets me sobbing “She will put you on the path that will lead you back to Me”. That is exactly what I am trying to do and everything God has done for me, how He made me a whole person, has helped me to do this most important job.

-Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. Proverbs 22:6

Regarding Sin and Conviction

So throughout this time I have changed dramatically. Where I used to keep my beliefs quiet and held close I now talk about it openly. This has caused some good conversations and has also brought conflict. That’s to be expected of course. What I didn’t expect was conflict with other Christians. It actually makes me kind of sad that Christianity has split into so many denominations with so many variables to the way the faith is taught. I feel like some churches water the message down to make it more appealing and end up doing a disservice to followers. When talking about this and lamenting how some churches no longer talk about sin I ended up in, not really an argument, but a disagreement on the message of Jesus and how it is presented. I actually got rather annoyed as I was told that my church was teaching me wrong and this person’s church focuses on the love of Jesus and doesn’t talk about sin. Truly though, if you leave sin out of the equation you are missing the whole point of Jesus coming to this earth. Of course, He loves everyone regardless of our pasts but repentance isn’t listed as an optional thing. Conviction of our sins is the way we grow and improve. Being a follower of Christ isn’t all happiness and rainbows. It isn’t just about warm fuzzies and that message does a disservice to all who hear it. This life isn’t easy and wasn’t meant to be. Jesus tells us as they hated Him so to would we be hated. To accept His gift and then keep on doing all the bad things you did before seems like taking His sacrifice for granted to me. Knowing something is totally against God but willfully doing it anyway, I think, is a sign of an unrepentant heart and if you aren’t a repentant sinner then are you truly saved?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Some think simply believing is enough and it doesn’t matter if you turn from your sin or not. That Jesus is all peace and love. They seem to forget there were times he also showed righteous anger. When He returns it won’t be to give the world a big hug, He will be returning as the Lion, as judge of the world. Conviction of sin is important, I have had my wrong ways pointed out to me and it has helped me to grow as a person and as a believer. I stumble, we all stumble, but the point is we fight against our inherent sin nature. We won’t be perfect, we can’t be, but we can still strive to be.

Jesus convicts people of sin throughout His time here on earth. In BSF right now we just learned about the Samaritan woman at the well. Before He could bring her in He pointed out her sin and her guilt regarding her 5 husbands and the man she was currently living with. My BSF notes put it this way: Conviction of sin was the first step in granting her the living water. The first step. Sounds pretty important to me.

Does that mean we act like ogres running around whacking people on the heads with our Bibles or acting crazy like those Westboro people? No way!! Another good excerpt from my notes says this: “Jesus used strong words, not to condemn her, but to cause her to see her sin and her true state from God’s perspective. His words proved He knew the worst about her. The secrets of her heart were open to Him but He did not despise her. In fact He loved her deeply.”

In love, He helped her to see her sin and led her to a better way of life more pleasing to God. Once you accept it, our sin is not our shame anymore. We no longer have to hide. It then becomes, I don’t know, a teaching tool? We can declare “this is what I used to be and this is what I have become”. I was selfish, prideful, disrespectful at times, I had sex before I was married, I let the desire to be liked cause me to compromise my morals, I have been judgmental, greedy, I have stolen, I have cheated, I have put myself and my happiness above others. I still struggle with some of these but now I think about my actions and how they will affect others, I help others without being concerned about what I will get in return, I set aside my own discomfort to bring joy to others when the opportunity presents itself. I don’t collapse every time something bad happens; I trust more and worry less.

God's grace given freely to us through Jesus Christ forgives us of our sins but first, we must recognize our sin as sin.

Conviction and change leads to freedom.

-Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Psalm 32:1-7

- As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Corinthians 7:9-10

- And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: John 16:8 (regarding the Holy Spirit)

The Heart of the Matter

Since that December night my husband has not only not missed church, other than during out of town trips, but he has joined me at Bible studies. Yes that’s plural. He was baptized in March, something else I never thought I’d witness. We have had some of the best conversations regarding faith. We have really grown into a tight family unit. His change really surprised his family and others who knew him. It is truly a testament to how God can do the seemingly impossible. Never give up hope! If you have a spouse, friend, or family member that seems like a lost cause and far from God, don’t give up. Shine His light in all you do, don’t be afraid to talk about your faith openly. I believe everyone can be reached. Plant the seed and let God do the rest. It can get frustrating. To me, it seems so obvious now. The things God has done in my life thus far I think should be irrefutable evidence to anyone. It doesn’t work that way though. Someone bent on unbelief will find excuses for the answered prayers and the transformations. So many are so attached to their sin that they seek to stay in darkness not realizing the freedom that comes with laying it down and stepping into the light. I never in a million years would have thought I’d be free from anxiety and the need for control, but here I am. I never thought the man that refused to step foot in a church would be by my side every Sunday and attending Bible studies with me, but there he is.

I think everyone is looking for something. We were created by God to worship Him and be His children and when we turn away from that we really lose a part of ourselves and our identity. Too many people try to fill that hole, that emptiness, with stuff that just doesn’t last. Society tells us we need all this junk, we have to be rich, beautiful, famous; you must have material things to be happy and fulfilled. When these things don’t bring that fulfillment we just try to acquire more, surely more of it will fill the emptiness we feel. We are chained to our greed, vices, and issues until we are weighed down by them and caught in the mire of self worship, just where The Enemy wants us to be.

As one of my favorite songs points out: there’s a better way. At some point we need to realize that the same old stuff just isn’t cutting it. At some point we need to realize that our way isn’t working and if we would stop and listen we’d hear Jesus telling us to put our way aside and try His way. Let go and let God as the saying goes. We have a heavenly Father who loves us, who wants to be with us, and He will always be there forever unchanging. He will listen to us, in fact He loves it when we bring our problems to Him and trust Him to help us through. That doesn’t mean He will solve all of our problems. We are never told that this life is easy, but He will be by your side through every trial. Human beings can fail us but God never fails.

-Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Another Life Changed

I can’t speak for my husband but he did comment on the extreme change I went through. Something along the lines of “what in the world happened to my wife?”. His coming to my baptism meant the world to me and our son enjoyed it too because he asked if Daddy was going to keep coming with us. After telling him this, my husband agreed that he’d come give this church thing a try, for us.

My husband has his demons. My take is that he spent a good part of his life looking for wholeness or escape in the wrong things. Nothing too horrible mind you, I wouldn’t have dated him if he was a raging drug addict or anything. My family went through enough of that with my brother, I learned to stay far away from all of that business. My husband did have a tendency to overindulge and deals with anger issues. He’s a terrific man but he’s broken just like we all are if we’re honest about ourselves. There were times I thought our marriage wouldn’t make it but God knew what he was doing when he put two of the most stubborn, obstinate people together. Neither of us was willing to give up and I am so thankful for that.

So anyway, December 2015, my husband went out for drinks with a friend and as would happen at times (much less often than his younger days, in his defense), he got wrapped up in having fun with his buddies and stopped paying attention to his intake. It was obvious when he got home because he acts like a super annoying goofball. I like to take advantage of his weakened state by making him listen to music I enjoy. Might as well get something out of it right? My husband continued to drink at home which I was kinda giving him side-eye about. We were playing around and dancing while youtube-ing music videos. Our son wanted to play and rough house so they were enjoying some bonding time but when you are drunk you aren’t as aware of what you are doing and they played a little too hard and our son got hurt. Nothing bad, but enough to knock the wind out of him and make him cry. It was really like the air had been sucked out of the room as well. I got angry and chastised him for not paying attention and pointed out the role alcohol had played in the incident.

We calmed it down, moved to listening to Christmas music and I got our son ready for bed. I noticed that ever since the rough house moment my husband was just sitting on the couch, head in his hands. I wasn’t sure what to think but I asked if he’d be okay til I got our son tucked into bed and he said he would be. While lying in our son’s room I could hear him replay some of the more religious Christmas songs, “O Holy Night” and “Do You Hear What I Hear” I believe were the ones. When I came out, he was still sitting the same way, hadn’t moved at all that I could tell but he had tears coming down his face. This is something that NEVER happens so I will admit to feeling a tad freaked out but I went and put my arms around him to try and find out what was going on. He didn’t really have the words, best he could say was he was having a “crisis of faith except crisis wasn’t the right word”. For some reason, it started to click with me a bit and I asked “Are you finding yourself somewhere you never thought you’d be (Faith-wise)?” And he said “Yes”. It was that night, following what turned out to be a wakeup call and listening to that music that the Holy Spirit came to my husband and he opened his heart to Jesus.

Later, he said “You know they say you don’t find Jesus at the bottom of a bottle but that’s exactly what happened.”

Jesus will come to us through our weakness, He will use that to make us new and show us just how desperately we truly do need Him. He knows our biggest weaknesses and shows us the way out.

- But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9

Something in the Water

People who haven’t experienced it may think, “So you got dunked in water, that doesn’t change you”, but at least in my case that would be incorrect. After the activity died down, after my friends went home after celebrating with me, and I sat down in the quiet house I realized I definitely felt different. It became evident in my day to day life. I did a lot of things that normally wouldn’t have done and it may seem small but for someone with my level of anxiety it was a big deal. Little things like, walking out of Walmart with my bags and seeing someone’s name badge with a key card attached lying in the parking lot. The old me would have stepped over it, gotten in my car, and left. This time I hesitated and felt that little whisper “someone needs that” and I put my bags in my car, grabbed the badge and took it to the customer service desk.

Other little things like taking the Lord’s name in vain, I will admit I did it a lot and without thinking anything of it. I stopped doing it. I’ll slip once in a while but immediately feel bad and apologize to God for it. Sounds silly I’m sure but the Spirit will convict you to make you a better person. My taste in music has changed. I used to listen to a lot of angry sounding music. I identified with that because I was truly an angry person on the inside. Now I am drawn to Christian/worship music almost exclusively. I do switch to country once in a while but the real country from the 80’s and 90’s era or older. None of this pop/bro country stuff. Just more wholesome music in general because, as they say, garbage in garbage out. Not that I never listen to my old stuff. I do on rare occasions but I’m not drawn to it. I have found that I am much more compassionate, much more likely to cry for someone other than myself, the “what’s in it for me” attitude is gone.

The biggest change, however, is my anxiety has subsided to the point that I can actually live my life like a normal person. I make phone calls, I go shopping alone, if I can’t find something I will walk up to an employee and ask for help rather than walk around in circles. If my son is playing with another kid at the playground I will talk to the other mom and even ask to exchange info in case they want to do a play date sometime. Point being I am braver and stronger. I know I’m not alone because God is with me. I used to be constantly afraid of making a fool of myself. Better to not interact at all than to embarrass myself. Now I realize that the only one that I need to “impress” is God. I am His, He is my Father, and He loves me no matter what. If I fall He will pick me up and He never meant for me to hide behind these walls. He wants me to shine, we are the doors He uses to walk through and spread His love. I can’t do that if I’m hiding from the world. So with His guiding hand and by His Spirit I was released from the chains of anxiety that imprisoned me so that I am able to go out and shine His light.

Water baptism is, of course, just symbolic. Something about doing it though really does change you. It's like the final light is lit, you open your soul completely and allow the Holy Spirit to fill you up and you are made new, forever a child of God.

-You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a basket. Instead, they set it on a lampstand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16

Declaring Faith with a Roar

God wasn’t done with me yet. Truly, He is never really done with us is He? I had another issue out there to deal with. The issue with our escrow and stuff wasn’t the last trial to be faced and what’s funny is I can’t really even remember what else came up. Just that every time we got past one issue, another one would present itself. Each time, I held steadfast. I used to break down, worry, and lose sleep over problems but I was learning to let it go and trust. Finally, in the face of a new problem I looked up and said “God it’s okay, you can stop testing me now, I want you to know that I am all in!”

Going all the way back to my baptism, my two main fears were people/social situations and water. So it was like God said to me “Alright then, remember back when you got baptized but it had your fears written all over it? Yeah….how about you do that over but you declare yourself for me without fear.” Shortly after this seed was planted in my head our church announced an upcoming baptism service. I think the message was there loud and clear. I emailed our pastor to get his thoughts on being baptized after having already been baptized and I felt pretty great about the situation after that. Nervous of course knowing it would be in front of the congregation and would be a full immersion baptism. There was another lesson here as well. I had to learn to give up control. I had to trust not only God in this that I would be okay and not have a major panic attack but I also had to give up control to my pastor and let him dunk me under that water. Even though it only last a few seconds, in my mind I was handing my life over to him. Interesting metaphor now that I think about it, trusting my pastor (who is a really awesome person by the way) with my life in those few seconds while giving my whole life over to my Savior for eternity. The ultimate in giving up control and I am a professed control freak. So of course I signed myself up!!

I also, very unexpectedly, got asked to tell my story on video to possibly be used during the baptism service. That’s not scary at all! Again, I wrote my story out about my decision to re-dedicate myself free of the fear and avoidance that so colored my previous declaration. As I wrote I remembered how just a week or so before I had told God that I was “all in” and realized that I was about to physically go all in, fully submerged in this substance that so frightened me. God is great at symbolism isn’t He? I mean, He has basically challenged me to prove it at this point. He proved His love for me at the cross already, time for me to face down my last fear for Him and declare my love for him not with a whisper this time but with a roar!

I did go in and shoot that video, it wasn’t what I expected, more of an interview that had a one size fits all feel to it. I didn’t get to read what I wrote. It was kind of uncomfortable really. It also didn’t get used during the service. I was disappointed at first in that whole experience but I think God had other ideas about how this should go. No having my face plastered on a screen, no production, no standing out or accolades for me. Just the people supporting all of us declaring that day, my friends and family, my pastor, the water, me, and above all else, Jesus.

At this point in time my husband was still not attending church with me. He had refused to attend my first baptism and when I asked him about this one he still showed no interest in coming. I was hurt and disappointed. In the days leading up to the service I got increasingly more upset at his disinterest in supporting me. Could he hate the church so badly that he couldn’t even step foot inside to support me? How could he, doesn’t he know that he is my support? Doesn’t he know that he’s my rock? Oh, yeah, did you catch that? I had just called my husband my rock. When I realized what I had just said it stopped me in my tracks. There was my grave error. I admitted in that moment that I recognized the source of my anger. I was leaning on another human as my rock and my source of comfort. Then I corrected myself and said “No, that’s not right. Jesus is my rock and I can do this.” The next day was the service and when I walked out from getting ready I noticed my husband was rather well dressed for a man that wasn’t going anywhere. He told me that he’d actually always planned to come but he wanted to surprise me. God just wanted me to learn that lesson first.

As I stood in the line waiting my turn I was feeling nervous. That panicky feeling was bubbling up in the pit of my stomach. Would I have a panic attack? Would I embarrass myself? I was trying to push that fear down. I was repeating Philippians 4:13 over and over in my head. I was slipping a little. At this point a very tall, very joyful man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me how I was doing. He was in line to be baptized as well and you could tell this was an immensely happy moment for him. I don’t know that I have ever seen someone radiate joy quite like this man. I told him I was a little nervous and he asked me why. I explained I had a hefty fear of water. He looked down at me and said, “But you aren’t afraid of THIS water.” He said it more as a statement than a question. I replied “no, I guess not” probably somewhat unconvincingly. He kept talking with me as we waited our turns, I don’t remember what else was really said. Mainly just his aura of excitement stood out. He motioned for me to go ahead of him and I stepped up to the baptismal. The water was warm and inviting like I’d expect the womb to be. They do call it being born again. I stepped over to my pastor who literally had a smile on his face the whole time, something I noticed in the pictures my family and friends took, how can you not trust someone who so obviously loves what they are doing? He wasn’t just going through the motions, doing a job, he was genuinely happy for us and to be a part of our walk. I knelt, he asked me if I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I said yes and I laid down my fears as I went backwards into that water. I didn’t panic, I didn’t paw frantically at my face which is my usual response to water on my face, I came up with a smile.

- He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:2

I Found My Life When I Laid It Down

After I was done with my testimony I walked back to my seat, probably a little awkwardly and listened to those who came after; so many beautiful stories of God at work in people’s lives. I encouraged another woman from my group, after she asked me how scary it was, to go up and share hers as well. It actually felt weird to be in that position, to encourage another, and I said “If I can do it, anyone can do it”. Remember, I couldn’t even order for myself at restaurants the majority of the time. She got up there and shared her burden with the room as well. It feels good to let things out in a group that you know loves you and supports you. The Body of Christ = the real “safe space”.

After all the stories had been told and we were dismissed I just figured I’d walk out and head home. Fear conquered. Then women began to approach me, lots of them, one by one coming to hug me, thank me for my openness, tell me about their struggles. They had such a light in their eyes, their faces. Some told me they felt blessed to have heard what I had to say. One woman held onto me and cried for a fairly long time. It was overwhelming and a little uncomfortable. I didn’t feel special, this broken girl who had always lived solely for herself and had been mostly invisible to other people.

In the years following I have been told this a number of times “you are such a blessing to me, I’m so glad to have been in group with you/to have met you”. I never know how to respond to that because it almost feels like I’m being given some sort of credit for all of this. Absolutely none of the credit for anything I have gone through in this journey can be attributed to me. Without God, without Jesus, I’d have never ventured out of my house, I’d have never had those experiences, and I definitely would have never stepped up on that stage. I feel I have a duty to share these things. I want other people to experience this wonder, this healing. Everyone should get to feel His love surround them and they can if they only ask and open their hearts to receive.

Lay your fears, your hopes, your dreams...lay your life at His feet and He will bless you. I have no doubt.

- "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

Touch The Sky - Hillsong United

Facing Down Fear

When BSF met again I obviously had to share the news. I may have even sent out a mass email. I don’t really remember, that time feels like such a blur. Suffice it to say that as Share Day approached I had many of my group telling me I needed to get up there and share my story.

If I haven’t explained it before, Share Day happens on the last day of the BSF class year. It is for anyone who wants to get up on stage, in the sanctuary in front of everyone (this can mean hundreds of women), and share what they learned, ways that God has worked in their lives that year, anything along those lines. It is you and a microphone and lots of eyes staring at you. So anyone that knows me would know that this was a terrifying, virtually impossible thing for me to do. Growing up and even into adulthood I couldn’t order my own food, make a phone call or go out any where by myself. I had serious issues with jobs. Kinda hard to work when you are scared to talk to people and most places require you to answer phone calls. My life was extremely limited and I was quite a burden on my friends and family. So anyway, I was slowly coming out of that with my going to BSF and church, my husband was starting to wonder what happened to his wife, in a good way! God, it seems, wasn’t finished. No more baby steps. It was time to place a serious challenge in front of me. Was I willing to do something so difficult and terrifying to share my story and glorify Him?

So I began writing. I knew we were given about 2-3 minutes at the mic so I wrote out my story trying not to leave out anything major. Then I read it out loud while timing myself. Yes, this is how crazy I can be with planning things out. Wouldn’t want to have to face being told I’m running too long, gotta stick to that time limit. I am masterful at over-analyisis. I got it written out to my satisfaction and as the day loomed closer the feeling of anxiety built. You are allowed to take someone up with you for moral support, so you don’t feel so alone or isolated up there and a wonderful lady from my group offered to stand with me and I told her I’d most likely take her up on that. Always I have needed that crutch, that other person to lean on.

Share Day arrived and I got myself to the church, heart pounding in my chest. If you want to share they have you come up and sit in the front row and wait to be motioned up. I sat and watched and felt better seeing plenty of other women up there shaking and nervous, crying, reading from notes. I was frozen, I felt that fear and doubt creeping in. Then I could feel something else, like an almost imperceptible hand on my back pushing me to stand up and get in line. Then a voice, clear as can be, in my head says “You can do this and you can do this on your own. I am with you.” I felt myself rise up, I looked down the row and shook my head to indicate I was going alone, and I got myself up there in that line. No going back.

My turn came and I got up there on that stage and looked out at all those women, all looking at me and I told them that I was terrified with a nervous chuckle and I proceeded to tell my story. I think I pretty much held my paper up in front of my face, but I got it all out. I thanked the children’s leaders who had worked with my son and saw their beaming faces. When I confessed that I originally came there for free childcare the room filled with warm laughter. When I told of my Good Friday prayer being answered there were audible gasps. It was frightening and also the most freeing thing I had ever done. Those 2-3 minutes up there laying bare my weaknesses and telling of God’s triumphs are minutes I will treasure, always. The fact that I did it alone made it mean so much more, but I wasn’t really alone. I could feel His holy presence at my back, supporting me, encouraging me, and loving me.

-I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. –Philippians 4:13

A Prayer Most Definitely Answered!

On a weekend where I had been particularly upset about the financial issues and school worries regarding our new home our pastor said this, “You are in the house you are in, the neighborhood, the community, the town you are in, because that is where God wants you to be. You have a purpose there.” Wow, what a slap in the face! I had a lot of these moments on Sundays!

I also began truly praying for the first time. I realized I really didn’t know how to pray. I used to just ask God for stuff and be disappointed when I didn’t get it. Selfish, meaningless stuff mostly. Now I learned to give thanks first, to express my love for Him first, then ask for guidance or help rather than ask for divine intervention. We had been trying to contact the sellers for a while in the hopes they would pay the amount owed on the taxes. Letters went unanswered. We were looking at the possibility of having to take them to court. I began praying that God would work in their hearts and encourage them to do the right thing and to cover what they were responsible for. A month would go by and I’d send another letter. Finally, I sent a letter in March telling them that they needed to respond in some way within 30 days or we would be hiring an attorney and moving forward. It was the week before Easter and they had about 10 days left so I started to go ahead and research attorneys so that I would have everything lined up when that last day passed with no contact. My church was planning a Good Friday service that would be done online so that everyone could participate from their homes. We were all to have some bread and juice available to take Communion during the service.

Good Friday rolled around and my husband was going to be out as a good friend had passed away that week and all of the old school buddies were getting together to figure out arrangements and reminisce. I was lying in bed with our son, he needed me to stay until he was asleep, and while I laid there I prayed for guidance on handling the hiring of an attorney and wisdom to make the right choices. After our son was asleep I gathered my bread and juice and set myself up at my computer to watch the service. I was feeling particularly emotional, reflecting on Jesus’ sacrifice and God’s immense love that He would send His Son for us. I had never felt quite so full to bursting with the gravity of it before. I cried as we thanked Jesus in our Communion prayer. As soon as I had eaten the bread and taken the juice my phone went off with a text message. When I looked at it I was in shock. It was the sellers and they were letting us know they were getting our payment together and would be in touch soon. Let’s just say I lost it. I had goosebumps. If I ever had a doubt in the power of prayer it was completely obliterated in that moment. I just bawled and looked up and thanked Jesus with all my heart. I called my husband, I called my parents. There was a presence with me that night, all alone in my office; that was indescribable.

-This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. -1 John 5:14

When Things Got Real Part 2

About a month after starting BSF we sold our house and moved. It was a crazy, hectic, frustrating experience. We had a buyer for our house very quickly but finding a new house proved to be quite a chore. We looked at a lot of houses and had a list of our favorites in order of liking. Every time we found a house we liked well enough to live in something would happen. Our offer would get accepted and then cancelled for a better one, we had one house where the owner chose an offer of less money than we were offering, one house our realtor sat on the offer until the next day (in a very busy market) and someone else snatched it up first. We even made an offer on a house that had been on the market for months with no offers, had dropped the price significantly, and even the neighbor had come during our walk through to ask us to please buy the house. Mysteriously, as soon as our offer was submitted it went under contract with someone else. The next one on our list dropped off the market before our offer could be sent in. So we ended up with only one house left on our list and a looming close date on our current house.

It was smaller than we wanted. Not in the school district I thought I wanted but it was at least assigned to a good elementary school, we could always move before high school. It was all we had left. Not much else was popping onto the market at the time and we didn’t want to be homeless. We offered and it was accepted. I couldn’t help but feel like we were led there, that all of these slamming doors were funneling us to this particular house for some weird reason. We finally had our new home.

We weren’t in our new home long before some less than great things came to light. Our lender calculated our taxes and escrow wrong by a long shot meaning, first of all, that the people we bought the house from did not pay in the correct amount to cover their portion of property taxes for the time they were in the house that year. Since we closed in October it was a good part of the year they owed for. We were told it was up to us to collect what they owed, meanwhile it came out of our escrow and left our account very much in the red. At about the same time, I found out that the school that we were so happy that our son would go to could possibly fill up and if so, our neighborhood would get bumped and re-assigned. The elementary he would be re-assigned to was very poorly rated and I was not happy one bit. We started having serious doubts about our choice to move here.

During this time, my son and I continued to attend BSF. I was feeling really down and stressed. Lots of worry and doubt clouded my mind almost constantly. The holidays were coming up and I was looking for a way to put my worries aside and enjoy Christmas in our new home. It was about this time that I was feeling a push to explore attending church for the first time. I had gotten a flyer in the mail for a church that was very convenient to our house, only about 2 miles away, but I was still really nervous about stepping out on my own. I had never been to a Christmas Eve service before and I thought I’d like to check it out. I wasn’t having any luck convincing anyone to go with me though. Then I mentioned it to my sister-in-law, the same one who got me to try BSF, and she said they were actually planning to go to one. It just so happened to be at the church I was considering looking into. They just so happened to attend there. So they invited me along. I truly believe that there are no coincidences and God had worked through my sister-in-law once again because I very much enjoyed that service and I don’t know if I would have gone if I hadn’t been invited to go. Soon after I expressed to her that I wanted to begin going regularly and we worked out a weekend to go together so I didn’t have to feel like I was all alone in getting my son set up at the children’s program, in this new place full of strangers. That one Sunday was all I needed. We have attended regularly even though my brother’s family hasn’t been there since. It became my church home from the first sermon.

So many things that our pastor talked about hit me so hard. I did a lot of crying on those Sundays. The very first message I heard asked the question “Are you a disconnected believer or a connected disciple?” I realized the description of a “disconnected believer” was me, without a doubt. Disconnected believers were irrelevant to the Kingdom of God. I didn’t want to be irrelevant to the Kingdom! I began to absorb these teachings and could feel a definite change in how I thought and lived. Much less about me, I was so much more willing to put myself aside for others. 

-Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6


If anyone is interested in watching that first message that hit me so hard you can find it here:Hope Fellowship - Pruning