She Will Put You on the Path

I often sit and wonder about God’s timing and His reasons for doing things as He does them. It is truly a marvel. I can’t help but think our son has something to do with everything I have experienced these past few years.

This whole major shift began with two people who were pretty sure they didn’t want to have children. We were both fairly selfish and liked doing what we wanted, when we wanted. Then, inexplicably, we both had the overwhelming urge to have a child at the exact same time. I’ve always had weird issues so we thought it’d be difficult to get pregnant so we decided we’d just let whatever happened happen. I was pregnant on the first try. Meant to be perhaps?

An extremely healthy pregnancy and hitch-free birth later we had our son and the biggest turning point in our lives was set in motion. It was hard but not too bad. He was a pretty laid back baby, some sleep issues but once we figured out he had silent reflux and addressed that he was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks on his own. He has a willful personality, stubborn like his parents, but so smart. None of the dreaded transitions of babyhood and toddlerhood were difficult. I was surprised at how amazingly bonded he and I were from the very beginning. Since I never liked kids I thought I might not feel strongly about him at first but it was so strong that I knew when he was about to wake up for night feedings before he actually woke up. He never had to cry because I would wake up and be ready for him as soon as he stirred. I have been fiercely protective of him, a true mama bear.

At the height of my anxiety, I had a friend tell me that when I had a kid I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him because of my issues and that I would make my child be just like me. That person is no longer my friend but I was truly worried about this. I knew I’d have to get past my issues somehow but I was having trouble with it. I didn’t take him on play dates or sign up for things. He was 2 years old and had never really been around other children and I was getting worried that he would have social problems like me. That is when I learned about BSF and that it had a free children’s program. I believe this is when I felt that first invisible push. It wouldn’t leave my mind but it would require stepping outside of my comfort zone. That strong bond and love for my child gave me a very compelling reason to do so, however. It was then that I took the first step towards a new life. He cried and cried the first few times we had to separate. He had never been without me before. It was so worth it though when he started to come home and sing hymns to himself and show me things he had learned.

Boy does this child ever have a heart for God! He remembers all kinds of little details. He loves for me to read his Children’s Bible to him every night at bedtime. We have read all the way through it at least 5 or 6 times. Every time we finish he asks me to start over. He will point at the pictures and ask questions. One time when I named Moses he declared “His staff becomes a snake!” I have overheard him using biblical figures in his pretend play. Even if it meant that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were throwing dynamite at Peter! Ha! At one point he pointed to a picture of the Ark of the Covenant and told me that it hadn’t been destroyed which made me look long and hard at him and then ask him if he knew where it was, hey you never know. He didn’t know though, sorry guys.

He loves church and his favorite music is “church music” as he calls it. This would be contemporary worship. We listen to a lot of Hillsong, Phil Wickham, and the Message on XM. He seems kind of grumpy if we listen to much else, though he does enjoy some Home Free from time to time.

We were recently told by his teachers that they saw some red flags and that he may need some evaluating for fine motor skill development and possible sensory issues. This hit me pretty hard and I cried for most of the day after that phone call. One of my biggest fears was passing on my “weirdness” to him. I was miserable as a child because of my limitations. Imagine being scared and uncomfortable at all times unless you are in your house. That was my reality for so long. For over 30 years I lived that way. I missed out on so much and I didn’t want that for him. Doing right by him and getting things in motion to find out what he needed required a certain amount of outgoing-ness on my part which I did without hesitation. He is set up for evaluation in November so I will let you all know how that goes though he has started to show improvement at school this week.

Thinking on all of this, and with a little help from a Home Free song I listened to yesterday, puts just one more tick in the column of “God healed me so I can do right by my son”. Without that healing, he would have never experienced Bible Study Fellowship or gone to church. Without my healing, my son wouldn’t know Jesus. I have had this overwhelming feeling this whole journey that it definitely isn’t all about me, may not be about me much at all though I know God loves me and I am His child. I think our son is destined for something important. Maybe not becoming a world leader but perhaps he will one day lead others to Christ. Maybe he will be a pastor or maybe he will change the life of just one person. No task is too small or unimportant when it is done for the Kingdom of God.

The song I mentioned is called “Mom” and is a conversation between an unborn child and God. The baby is afraid to leave His side and enter the great big world but He tells the baby that there is someone waiting for them, their Mom. One line always gets me sobbing “She will put you on the path that will lead you back to Me”. That is exactly what I am trying to do and everything God has done for me, how He made me a whole person, has helped me to do this most important job.

-Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. Proverbs 22:6