God wasn’t done with me
yet. Truly, He is never really done with us is He? I had another issue out
there to deal with. The issue with our escrow and stuff wasn’t the last trial
to be faced and what’s funny is I can’t really even remember what else came up.
Just that every time we got past one issue, another one would present itself.
Each time, I held steadfast. I used to break down, worry, and lose sleep over
problems but I was learning to let it go and trust. Finally, in the face of a
new problem I looked up and said “God
it’s okay, you can stop testing me now, I want you to know that I am all in!”
Going all the way back
to my baptism, my two main fears were people/social situations and water. So it
was like God said to me “Alright then, remember back when you got baptized but
it had your fears written all over it? Yeah….how about you do that over but you
declare yourself for me without fear.” Shortly after this seed was planted in
my head our church announced an upcoming baptism service. I think the message
was there loud and clear. I emailed our pastor to get his thoughts on being
baptized after having already been baptized and I felt pretty great about the
situation after that. Nervous of course knowing it would be in front of the
congregation and would be a full immersion baptism. There was another lesson
here as well. I had to learn to give up control. I had to trust not only God in
this that I would be okay and not have a major panic attack but I also had to
give up control to my pastor and let him dunk me under that water. Even though
it only last a few seconds, in my mind I was handing my life over to him.
Interesting metaphor now that I think about it, trusting my pastor (who is a
really awesome person by the way) with my life in those few seconds while
giving my whole life over to my Savior for eternity. The ultimate in giving up
control and I am a professed control freak. So of course I signed myself up!!
I also, very
unexpectedly, got asked to tell my story on video to possibly be used during
the baptism service. That’s not scary at all! Again, I wrote my story out about
my decision to re-dedicate myself free of the fear and avoidance that so
colored my previous declaration. As I wrote I remembered how just a week or so
before I had told God that I was “all in” and realized that I was about to
physically go all in, fully submerged in this substance that so frightened me.
God is great at symbolism isn’t He? I mean, He has basically challenged me to
prove it at this point. He proved His love for me at the cross already, time
for me to face down my last fear for Him and declare my love for him not with a
whisper this time but with a roar!
I did go in and shoot
that video, it wasn’t what I expected, more of an interview that had a one size
fits all feel to it. I didn’t get to read what I wrote. It was kind of
uncomfortable really. It also didn’t get used during the service. I was
disappointed at first in that whole experience but I think God had other ideas
about how this should go. No having my face plastered on a screen, no
production, no standing out or accolades for me. Just the people supporting all
of us declaring that day, my friends and family, my pastor, the water, me, and
above all else, Jesus.
At this point in time my
husband was still not attending church with me. He had refused to attend my
first baptism and when I asked him about this one he still showed no interest
in coming. I was hurt and disappointed. In the days leading up to the service I
got increasingly more upset at his disinterest in supporting me. Could he hate
the church so badly that he couldn’t even step foot inside to support me? How
could he, doesn’t he know that he is my support? Doesn’t he know that he’s my
rock? Oh, yeah, did you catch that? I had just called my husband my rock. When
I realized what I had just said it stopped me in my tracks. There was my grave
error. I admitted in that moment that I recognized the source of my anger. I
was leaning on another human as my rock and my source of comfort. Then I
corrected myself and said “No, that’s not right. Jesus is my rock and I can do
this.” The next day was the service and when I walked out from getting ready I
noticed my husband was rather well dressed for a man that wasn’t going
anywhere. He told me that he’d actually always planned to come but he wanted to
surprise me. God just wanted me to learn that lesson first.
As I stood in the line
waiting my turn I was feeling nervous. That panicky feeling was bubbling up in
the pit of my stomach. Would I have a panic attack? Would I embarrass myself? I
was trying to push that fear down. I was repeating Philippians 4:13 over and
over in my head. I was slipping a little. At this point a very tall, very
joyful man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me how I was doing. He was in
line to be baptized as well and you could tell this was an immensely happy
moment for him. I don’t know that I have ever seen someone radiate joy quite
like this man. I told him I was a little nervous and he asked me why. I
explained I had a hefty fear of water. He looked down at me and said, “But you
aren’t afraid of THIS water.” He said it more as a statement than a question. I
replied “no, I guess not” probably somewhat unconvincingly. He kept talking
with me as we waited our turns, I don’t remember what else was really said.
Mainly just his aura of excitement stood out. He motioned for me to go ahead of
him and I stepped up to the baptismal. The water was warm and inviting like I’d
expect the womb to be. They do call it being born again. I stepped over to my
pastor who literally had a smile on his face the whole time, something I
noticed in the pictures my family and friends took, how can you not trust
someone who so obviously loves what they are doing? He wasn’t just going
through the motions, doing a job, he was genuinely happy for us and to be a
part of our walk. I knelt, he asked me if I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I said
yes and I laid down my fears as I went backwards into that water. I didn’t
panic, I didn’t paw frantically at my face which is my usual response to water
on my face, I came up with a smile.
- He alone is my rock and my salvation, my
fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:2
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