Facing Down Fear

When BSF met again I obviously had to share the news. I may have even sent out a mass email. I don’t really remember, that time feels like such a blur. Suffice it to say that as Share Day approached I had many of my group telling me I needed to get up there and share my story.

If I haven’t explained it before, Share Day happens on the last day of the BSF class year. It is for anyone who wants to get up on stage, in the sanctuary in front of everyone (this can mean hundreds of women), and share what they learned, ways that God has worked in their lives that year, anything along those lines. It is you and a microphone and lots of eyes staring at you. So anyone that knows me would know that this was a terrifying, virtually impossible thing for me to do. Growing up and even into adulthood I couldn’t order my own food, make a phone call or go out any where by myself. I had serious issues with jobs. Kinda hard to work when you are scared to talk to people and most places require you to answer phone calls. My life was extremely limited and I was quite a burden on my friends and family. So anyway, I was slowly coming out of that with my going to BSF and church, my husband was starting to wonder what happened to his wife, in a good way! God, it seems, wasn’t finished. No more baby steps. It was time to place a serious challenge in front of me. Was I willing to do something so difficult and terrifying to share my story and glorify Him?

So I began writing. I knew we were given about 2-3 minutes at the mic so I wrote out my story trying not to leave out anything major. Then I read it out loud while timing myself. Yes, this is how crazy I can be with planning things out. Wouldn’t want to have to face being told I’m running too long, gotta stick to that time limit. I am masterful at over-analyisis. I got it written out to my satisfaction and as the day loomed closer the feeling of anxiety built. You are allowed to take someone up with you for moral support, so you don’t feel so alone or isolated up there and a wonderful lady from my group offered to stand with me and I told her I’d most likely take her up on that. Always I have needed that crutch, that other person to lean on.

Share Day arrived and I got myself to the church, heart pounding in my chest. If you want to share they have you come up and sit in the front row and wait to be motioned up. I sat and watched and felt better seeing plenty of other women up there shaking and nervous, crying, reading from notes. I was frozen, I felt that fear and doubt creeping in. Then I could feel something else, like an almost imperceptible hand on my back pushing me to stand up and get in line. Then a voice, clear as can be, in my head says “You can do this and you can do this on your own. I am with you.” I felt myself rise up, I looked down the row and shook my head to indicate I was going alone, and I got myself up there in that line. No going back.

My turn came and I got up there on that stage and looked out at all those women, all looking at me and I told them that I was terrified with a nervous chuckle and I proceeded to tell my story. I think I pretty much held my paper up in front of my face, but I got it all out. I thanked the children’s leaders who had worked with my son and saw their beaming faces. When I confessed that I originally came there for free childcare the room filled with warm laughter. When I told of my Good Friday prayer being answered there were audible gasps. It was frightening and also the most freeing thing I had ever done. Those 2-3 minutes up there laying bare my weaknesses and telling of God’s triumphs are minutes I will treasure, always. The fact that I did it alone made it mean so much more, but I wasn’t really alone. I could feel His holy presence at my back, supporting me, encouraging me, and loving me.

-I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. –Philippians 4:13