Something in the Water

People who haven’t experienced it may think, “So you got dunked in water, that doesn’t change you”, but at least in my case that would be incorrect. After the activity died down, after my friends went home after celebrating with me, and I sat down in the quiet house I realized I definitely felt different. It became evident in my day to day life. I did a lot of things that normally wouldn’t have done and it may seem small but for someone with my level of anxiety it was a big deal. Little things like, walking out of Walmart with my bags and seeing someone’s name badge with a key card attached lying in the parking lot. The old me would have stepped over it, gotten in my car, and left. This time I hesitated and felt that little whisper “someone needs that” and I put my bags in my car, grabbed the badge and took it to the customer service desk.

Other little things like taking the Lord’s name in vain, I will admit I did it a lot and without thinking anything of it. I stopped doing it. I’ll slip once in a while but immediately feel bad and apologize to God for it. Sounds silly I’m sure but the Spirit will convict you to make you a better person. My taste in music has changed. I used to listen to a lot of angry sounding music. I identified with that because I was truly an angry person on the inside. Now I am drawn to Christian/worship music almost exclusively. I do switch to country once in a while but the real country from the 80’s and 90’s era or older. None of this pop/bro country stuff. Just more wholesome music in general because, as they say, garbage in garbage out. Not that I never listen to my old stuff. I do on rare occasions but I’m not drawn to it. I have found that I am much more compassionate, much more likely to cry for someone other than myself, the “what’s in it for me” attitude is gone.

The biggest change, however, is my anxiety has subsided to the point that I can actually live my life like a normal person. I make phone calls, I go shopping alone, if I can’t find something I will walk up to an employee and ask for help rather than walk around in circles. If my son is playing with another kid at the playground I will talk to the other mom and even ask to exchange info in case they want to do a play date sometime. Point being I am braver and stronger. I know I’m not alone because God is with me. I used to be constantly afraid of making a fool of myself. Better to not interact at all than to embarrass myself. Now I realize that the only one that I need to “impress” is God. I am His, He is my Father, and He loves me no matter what. If I fall He will pick me up and He never meant for me to hide behind these walls. He wants me to shine, we are the doors He uses to walk through and spread His love. I can’t do that if I’m hiding from the world. So with His guiding hand and by His Spirit I was released from the chains of anxiety that imprisoned me so that I am able to go out and shine His light.

Water baptism is, of course, just symbolic. Something about doing it though really does change you. It's like the final light is lit, you open your soul completely and allow the Holy Spirit to fill you up and you are made new, forever a child of God.

-You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a basket. Instead, they set it on a lampstand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16

Declaring Faith with a Roar

God wasn’t done with me yet. Truly, He is never really done with us is He? I had another issue out there to deal with. The issue with our escrow and stuff wasn’t the last trial to be faced and what’s funny is I can’t really even remember what else came up. Just that every time we got past one issue, another one would present itself. Each time, I held steadfast. I used to break down, worry, and lose sleep over problems but I was learning to let it go and trust. Finally, in the face of a new problem I looked up and said “God it’s okay, you can stop testing me now, I want you to know that I am all in!”

Going all the way back to my baptism, my two main fears were people/social situations and water. So it was like God said to me “Alright then, remember back when you got baptized but it had your fears written all over it? Yeah….how about you do that over but you declare yourself for me without fear.” Shortly after this seed was planted in my head our church announced an upcoming baptism service. I think the message was there loud and clear. I emailed our pastor to get his thoughts on being baptized after having already been baptized and I felt pretty great about the situation after that. Nervous of course knowing it would be in front of the congregation and would be a full immersion baptism. There was another lesson here as well. I had to learn to give up control. I had to trust not only God in this that I would be okay and not have a major panic attack but I also had to give up control to my pastor and let him dunk me under that water. Even though it only last a few seconds, in my mind I was handing my life over to him. Interesting metaphor now that I think about it, trusting my pastor (who is a really awesome person by the way) with my life in those few seconds while giving my whole life over to my Savior for eternity. The ultimate in giving up control and I am a professed control freak. So of course I signed myself up!!

I also, very unexpectedly, got asked to tell my story on video to possibly be used during the baptism service. That’s not scary at all! Again, I wrote my story out about my decision to re-dedicate myself free of the fear and avoidance that so colored my previous declaration. As I wrote I remembered how just a week or so before I had told God that I was “all in” and realized that I was about to physically go all in, fully submerged in this substance that so frightened me. God is great at symbolism isn’t He? I mean, He has basically challenged me to prove it at this point. He proved His love for me at the cross already, time for me to face down my last fear for Him and declare my love for him not with a whisper this time but with a roar!

I did go in and shoot that video, it wasn’t what I expected, more of an interview that had a one size fits all feel to it. I didn’t get to read what I wrote. It was kind of uncomfortable really. It also didn’t get used during the service. I was disappointed at first in that whole experience but I think God had other ideas about how this should go. No having my face plastered on a screen, no production, no standing out or accolades for me. Just the people supporting all of us declaring that day, my friends and family, my pastor, the water, me, and above all else, Jesus.

At this point in time my husband was still not attending church with me. He had refused to attend my first baptism and when I asked him about this one he still showed no interest in coming. I was hurt and disappointed. In the days leading up to the service I got increasingly more upset at his disinterest in supporting me. Could he hate the church so badly that he couldn’t even step foot inside to support me? How could he, doesn’t he know that he is my support? Doesn’t he know that he’s my rock? Oh, yeah, did you catch that? I had just called my husband my rock. When I realized what I had just said it stopped me in my tracks. There was my grave error. I admitted in that moment that I recognized the source of my anger. I was leaning on another human as my rock and my source of comfort. Then I corrected myself and said “No, that’s not right. Jesus is my rock and I can do this.” The next day was the service and when I walked out from getting ready I noticed my husband was rather well dressed for a man that wasn’t going anywhere. He told me that he’d actually always planned to come but he wanted to surprise me. God just wanted me to learn that lesson first.

As I stood in the line waiting my turn I was feeling nervous. That panicky feeling was bubbling up in the pit of my stomach. Would I have a panic attack? Would I embarrass myself? I was trying to push that fear down. I was repeating Philippians 4:13 over and over in my head. I was slipping a little. At this point a very tall, very joyful man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me how I was doing. He was in line to be baptized as well and you could tell this was an immensely happy moment for him. I don’t know that I have ever seen someone radiate joy quite like this man. I told him I was a little nervous and he asked me why. I explained I had a hefty fear of water. He looked down at me and said, “But you aren’t afraid of THIS water.” He said it more as a statement than a question. I replied “no, I guess not” probably somewhat unconvincingly. He kept talking with me as we waited our turns, I don’t remember what else was really said. Mainly just his aura of excitement stood out. He motioned for me to go ahead of him and I stepped up to the baptismal. The water was warm and inviting like I’d expect the womb to be. They do call it being born again. I stepped over to my pastor who literally had a smile on his face the whole time, something I noticed in the pictures my family and friends took, how can you not trust someone who so obviously loves what they are doing? He wasn’t just going through the motions, doing a job, he was genuinely happy for us and to be a part of our walk. I knelt, he asked me if I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I said yes and I laid down my fears as I went backwards into that water. I didn’t panic, I didn’t paw frantically at my face which is my usual response to water on my face, I came up with a smile.

- He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:2

I Found My Life When I Laid It Down

After I was done with my testimony I walked back to my seat, probably a little awkwardly and listened to those who came after; so many beautiful stories of God at work in people’s lives. I encouraged another woman from my group, after she asked me how scary it was, to go up and share hers as well. It actually felt weird to be in that position, to encourage another, and I said “If I can do it, anyone can do it”. Remember, I couldn’t even order for myself at restaurants the majority of the time. She got up there and shared her burden with the room as well. It feels good to let things out in a group that you know loves you and supports you. The Body of Christ = the real “safe space”.

After all the stories had been told and we were dismissed I just figured I’d walk out and head home. Fear conquered. Then women began to approach me, lots of them, one by one coming to hug me, thank me for my openness, tell me about their struggles. They had such a light in their eyes, their faces. Some told me they felt blessed to have heard what I had to say. One woman held onto me and cried for a fairly long time. It was overwhelming and a little uncomfortable. I didn’t feel special, this broken girl who had always lived solely for herself and had been mostly invisible to other people.

In the years following I have been told this a number of times “you are such a blessing to me, I’m so glad to have been in group with you/to have met you”. I never know how to respond to that because it almost feels like I’m being given some sort of credit for all of this. Absolutely none of the credit for anything I have gone through in this journey can be attributed to me. Without God, without Jesus, I’d have never ventured out of my house, I’d have never had those experiences, and I definitely would have never stepped up on that stage. I feel I have a duty to share these things. I want other people to experience this wonder, this healing. Everyone should get to feel His love surround them and they can if they only ask and open their hearts to receive.

Lay your fears, your hopes, your dreams...lay your life at His feet and He will bless you. I have no doubt.

- "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

Touch The Sky - Hillsong United