She Will Put You on the Path

I often sit and wonder about God’s timing and His reasons for doing things as He does them. It is truly a marvel. I can’t help but think our son has something to do with everything I have experienced these past few years.

This whole major shift began with two people who were pretty sure they didn’t want to have children. We were both fairly selfish and liked doing what we wanted, when we wanted. Then, inexplicably, we both had the overwhelming urge to have a child at the exact same time. I’ve always had weird issues so we thought it’d be difficult to get pregnant so we decided we’d just let whatever happened happen. I was pregnant on the first try. Meant to be perhaps?

An extremely healthy pregnancy and hitch-free birth later we had our son and the biggest turning point in our lives was set in motion. It was hard but not too bad. He was a pretty laid back baby, some sleep issues but once we figured out he had silent reflux and addressed that he was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks on his own. He has a willful personality, stubborn like his parents, but so smart. None of the dreaded transitions of babyhood and toddlerhood were difficult. I was surprised at how amazingly bonded he and I were from the very beginning. Since I never liked kids I thought I might not feel strongly about him at first but it was so strong that I knew when he was about to wake up for night feedings before he actually woke up. He never had to cry because I would wake up and be ready for him as soon as he stirred. I have been fiercely protective of him, a true mama bear.

At the height of my anxiety, I had a friend tell me that when I had a kid I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him because of my issues and that I would make my child be just like me. That person is no longer my friend but I was truly worried about this. I knew I’d have to get past my issues somehow but I was having trouble with it. I didn’t take him on play dates or sign up for things. He was 2 years old and had never really been around other children and I was getting worried that he would have social problems like me. That is when I learned about BSF and that it had a free children’s program. I believe this is when I felt that first invisible push. It wouldn’t leave my mind but it would require stepping outside of my comfort zone. That strong bond and love for my child gave me a very compelling reason to do so, however. It was then that I took the first step towards a new life. He cried and cried the first few times we had to separate. He had never been without me before. It was so worth it though when he started to come home and sing hymns to himself and show me things he had learned.

Boy does this child ever have a heart for God! He remembers all kinds of little details. He loves for me to read his Children’s Bible to him every night at bedtime. We have read all the way through it at least 5 or 6 times. Every time we finish he asks me to start over. He will point at the pictures and ask questions. One time when I named Moses he declared “His staff becomes a snake!” I have overheard him using biblical figures in his pretend play. Even if it meant that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were throwing dynamite at Peter! Ha! At one point he pointed to a picture of the Ark of the Covenant and told me that it hadn’t been destroyed which made me look long and hard at him and then ask him if he knew where it was, hey you never know. He didn’t know though, sorry guys.

He loves church and his favorite music is “church music” as he calls it. This would be contemporary worship. We listen to a lot of Hillsong, Phil Wickham, and the Message on XM. He seems kind of grumpy if we listen to much else, though he does enjoy some Home Free from time to time.

We were recently told by his teachers that they saw some red flags and that he may need some evaluating for fine motor skill development and possible sensory issues. This hit me pretty hard and I cried for most of the day after that phone call. One of my biggest fears was passing on my “weirdness” to him. I was miserable as a child because of my limitations. Imagine being scared and uncomfortable at all times unless you are in your house. That was my reality for so long. For over 30 years I lived that way. I missed out on so much and I didn’t want that for him. Doing right by him and getting things in motion to find out what he needed required a certain amount of outgoing-ness on my part which I did without hesitation. He is set up for evaluation in November so I will let you all know how that goes though he has started to show improvement at school this week.

Thinking on all of this, and with a little help from a Home Free song I listened to yesterday, puts just one more tick in the column of “God healed me so I can do right by my son”. Without that healing, he would have never experienced Bible Study Fellowship or gone to church. Without my healing, my son wouldn’t know Jesus. I have had this overwhelming feeling this whole journey that it definitely isn’t all about me, may not be about me much at all though I know God loves me and I am His child. I think our son is destined for something important. Maybe not becoming a world leader but perhaps he will one day lead others to Christ. Maybe he will be a pastor or maybe he will change the life of just one person. No task is too small or unimportant when it is done for the Kingdom of God.

The song I mentioned is called “Mom” and is a conversation between an unborn child and God. The baby is afraid to leave His side and enter the great big world but He tells the baby that there is someone waiting for them, their Mom. One line always gets me sobbing “She will put you on the path that will lead you back to Me”. That is exactly what I am trying to do and everything God has done for me, how He made me a whole person, has helped me to do this most important job.

-Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. Proverbs 22:6

Regarding Sin and Conviction

So throughout this time I have changed dramatically. Where I used to keep my beliefs quiet and held close I now talk about it openly. This has caused some good conversations and has also brought conflict. That’s to be expected of course. What I didn’t expect was conflict with other Christians. It actually makes me kind of sad that Christianity has split into so many denominations with so many variables to the way the faith is taught. I feel like some churches water the message down to make it more appealing and end up doing a disservice to followers. When talking about this and lamenting how some churches no longer talk about sin I ended up in, not really an argument, but a disagreement on the message of Jesus and how it is presented. I actually got rather annoyed as I was told that my church was teaching me wrong and this person’s church focuses on the love of Jesus and doesn’t talk about sin. Truly though, if you leave sin out of the equation you are missing the whole point of Jesus coming to this earth. Of course, He loves everyone regardless of our pasts but repentance isn’t listed as an optional thing. Conviction of our sins is the way we grow and improve. Being a follower of Christ isn’t all happiness and rainbows. It isn’t just about warm fuzzies and that message does a disservice to all who hear it. This life isn’t easy and wasn’t meant to be. Jesus tells us as they hated Him so to would we be hated. To accept His gift and then keep on doing all the bad things you did before seems like taking His sacrifice for granted to me. Knowing something is totally against God but willfully doing it anyway, I think, is a sign of an unrepentant heart and if you aren’t a repentant sinner then are you truly saved?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Some think simply believing is enough and it doesn’t matter if you turn from your sin or not. That Jesus is all peace and love. They seem to forget there were times he also showed righteous anger. When He returns it won’t be to give the world a big hug, He will be returning as the Lion, as judge of the world. Conviction of sin is important, I have had my wrong ways pointed out to me and it has helped me to grow as a person and as a believer. I stumble, we all stumble, but the point is we fight against our inherent sin nature. We won’t be perfect, we can’t be, but we can still strive to be.

Jesus convicts people of sin throughout His time here on earth. In BSF right now we just learned about the Samaritan woman at the well. Before He could bring her in He pointed out her sin and her guilt regarding her 5 husbands and the man she was currently living with. My BSF notes put it this way: Conviction of sin was the first step in granting her the living water. The first step. Sounds pretty important to me.

Does that mean we act like ogres running around whacking people on the heads with our Bibles or acting crazy like those Westboro people? No way!! Another good excerpt from my notes says this: “Jesus used strong words, not to condemn her, but to cause her to see her sin and her true state from God’s perspective. His words proved He knew the worst about her. The secrets of her heart were open to Him but He did not despise her. In fact He loved her deeply.”

In love, He helped her to see her sin and led her to a better way of life more pleasing to God. Once you accept it, our sin is not our shame anymore. We no longer have to hide. It then becomes, I don’t know, a teaching tool? We can declare “this is what I used to be and this is what I have become”. I was selfish, prideful, disrespectful at times, I had sex before I was married, I let the desire to be liked cause me to compromise my morals, I have been judgmental, greedy, I have stolen, I have cheated, I have put myself and my happiness above others. I still struggle with some of these but now I think about my actions and how they will affect others, I help others without being concerned about what I will get in return, I set aside my own discomfort to bring joy to others when the opportunity presents itself. I don’t collapse every time something bad happens; I trust more and worry less.

God's grace given freely to us through Jesus Christ forgives us of our sins but first, we must recognize our sin as sin.

Conviction and change leads to freedom.

-Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Psalm 32:1-7

- As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Corinthians 7:9-10

- And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: John 16:8 (regarding the Holy Spirit)

The Heart of the Matter

Since that December night my husband has not only not missed church, other than during out of town trips, but he has joined me at Bible studies. Yes that’s plural. He was baptized in March, something else I never thought I’d witness. We have had some of the best conversations regarding faith. We have really grown into a tight family unit. His change really surprised his family and others who knew him. It is truly a testament to how God can do the seemingly impossible. Never give up hope! If you have a spouse, friend, or family member that seems like a lost cause and far from God, don’t give up. Shine His light in all you do, don’t be afraid to talk about your faith openly. I believe everyone can be reached. Plant the seed and let God do the rest. It can get frustrating. To me, it seems so obvious now. The things God has done in my life thus far I think should be irrefutable evidence to anyone. It doesn’t work that way though. Someone bent on unbelief will find excuses for the answered prayers and the transformations. So many are so attached to their sin that they seek to stay in darkness not realizing the freedom that comes with laying it down and stepping into the light. I never in a million years would have thought I’d be free from anxiety and the need for control, but here I am. I never thought the man that refused to step foot in a church would be by my side every Sunday and attending Bible studies with me, but there he is.

I think everyone is looking for something. We were created by God to worship Him and be His children and when we turn away from that we really lose a part of ourselves and our identity. Too many people try to fill that hole, that emptiness, with stuff that just doesn’t last. Society tells us we need all this junk, we have to be rich, beautiful, famous; you must have material things to be happy and fulfilled. When these things don’t bring that fulfillment we just try to acquire more, surely more of it will fill the emptiness we feel. We are chained to our greed, vices, and issues until we are weighed down by them and caught in the mire of self worship, just where The Enemy wants us to be.

As one of my favorite songs points out: there’s a better way. At some point we need to realize that the same old stuff just isn’t cutting it. At some point we need to realize that our way isn’t working and if we would stop and listen we’d hear Jesus telling us to put our way aside and try His way. Let go and let God as the saying goes. We have a heavenly Father who loves us, who wants to be with us, and He will always be there forever unchanging. He will listen to us, in fact He loves it when we bring our problems to Him and trust Him to help us through. That doesn’t mean He will solve all of our problems. We are never told that this life is easy, but He will be by your side through every trial. Human beings can fail us but God never fails.

-Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Another Life Changed

I can’t speak for my husband but he did comment on the extreme change I went through. Something along the lines of “what in the world happened to my wife?”. His coming to my baptism meant the world to me and our son enjoyed it too because he asked if Daddy was going to keep coming with us. After telling him this, my husband agreed that he’d come give this church thing a try, for us.

My husband has his demons. My take is that he spent a good part of his life looking for wholeness or escape in the wrong things. Nothing too horrible mind you, I wouldn’t have dated him if he was a raging drug addict or anything. My family went through enough of that with my brother, I learned to stay far away from all of that business. My husband did have a tendency to overindulge and deals with anger issues. He’s a terrific man but he’s broken just like we all are if we’re honest about ourselves. There were times I thought our marriage wouldn’t make it but God knew what he was doing when he put two of the most stubborn, obstinate people together. Neither of us was willing to give up and I am so thankful for that.

So anyway, December 2015, my husband went out for drinks with a friend and as would happen at times (much less often than his younger days, in his defense), he got wrapped up in having fun with his buddies and stopped paying attention to his intake. It was obvious when he got home because he acts like a super annoying goofball. I like to take advantage of his weakened state by making him listen to music I enjoy. Might as well get something out of it right? My husband continued to drink at home which I was kinda giving him side-eye about. We were playing around and dancing while youtube-ing music videos. Our son wanted to play and rough house so they were enjoying some bonding time but when you are drunk you aren’t as aware of what you are doing and they played a little too hard and our son got hurt. Nothing bad, but enough to knock the wind out of him and make him cry. It was really like the air had been sucked out of the room as well. I got angry and chastised him for not paying attention and pointed out the role alcohol had played in the incident.

We calmed it down, moved to listening to Christmas music and I got our son ready for bed. I noticed that ever since the rough house moment my husband was just sitting on the couch, head in his hands. I wasn’t sure what to think but I asked if he’d be okay til I got our son tucked into bed and he said he would be. While lying in our son’s room I could hear him replay some of the more religious Christmas songs, “O Holy Night” and “Do You Hear What I Hear” I believe were the ones. When I came out, he was still sitting the same way, hadn’t moved at all that I could tell but he had tears coming down his face. This is something that NEVER happens so I will admit to feeling a tad freaked out but I went and put my arms around him to try and find out what was going on. He didn’t really have the words, best he could say was he was having a “crisis of faith except crisis wasn’t the right word”. For some reason, it started to click with me a bit and I asked “Are you finding yourself somewhere you never thought you’d be (Faith-wise)?” And he said “Yes”. It was that night, following what turned out to be a wakeup call and listening to that music that the Holy Spirit came to my husband and he opened his heart to Jesus.

Later, he said “You know they say you don’t find Jesus at the bottom of a bottle but that’s exactly what happened.”

Jesus will come to us through our weakness, He will use that to make us new and show us just how desperately we truly do need Him. He knows our biggest weaknesses and shows us the way out.

- But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9