As I embark into this unknown realm of writing I have to
admit to feeling a little frightened and overwhelmed and yet, excited and
hopeful. So here is a little background about myself because where better to
start than at the beginning?
-The earth was
formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. Genesis 1:2
I was born in 1978, a “miracle baby” as my mother was not
supposed to be able to get pregnant. I grew up in a loving family, sheltered,
and full of fear and anxiety. Although my parents are Christians, we never
attended church.
I look back at my early life as a time of spiritual
darkness. I floated between belief in God and belief in science, it’s not like
they tell you anything about God in school. At a time when I was likely feeling
the furthest away from God we experienced a tragedy in my family. One of my
older brothers, who was a troubled soul in a seemingly never-ending fight with
addiction, was killed outside of a rehab center he had checked himself out of.
I was 13 or 14 at the time and in 7th grade. I will never forget
that morning, being awakened by my mother extremely early and, at first,
thinking it was time to get ready for school. She told me that there had been a
horrible accident and I just remember sitting there crying and insisting that I
wanted to go see him (my dad was leaving to go make identification). I was told
that I should remember him as he was. I felt such frustration and pain in the
following days. Sure that he was finally going to turn things around and that
his chance had been stolen from him. I even remember asking God why He couldn’t
have taken me instead because what good was I? I was crippled with social
anxiety, had few friends, hated school and being around other people, I
couldn’t even order food at a restaurant for myself so bad was this fear of
looking or sounding foolish. So why not me?
We made it through the funeral and tried to get back to life
forever changed. I was so worried about my brother’s soul, would he have gone
to Heaven or had he been such a bad person in life that he was doomed to eternity
in Hell? This really weighed on me and I am sure I asked God without really
knowing that I was asking. And it was then that I got my first answer in the
form of a dream. It felt like no mere dream and I still remember it so vividly
over 20 years later that I know it was something more:
I was
sitting in the cafeteria at my school having lunch, sitting alone, when a
teacher came over to tell me I had a visitor. It was my brother and when he
walked in it was like time stopped. All noise and movement from others in the
room ceased. He came and hugged me and sat beside me. He told me that he loved
me and that he was okay. He was with Jesus and safe where there was no more
pain or addiction. He would be with me, watching over me so I shouldn’t worry
for him. Then he told me he didn’t have much time and needed to go. He hugged
me one last time and then walked out of the cafeteria door into bright, white
light.
And then I woke up.
